The Race
11/25/08
By Todd Royce Gubler
Seasons and times, they all have their place
People so busy clamoring to win the human race
Deadlines and duties, bills, e-mails and blogs
Running and rushing avoiding life’s hindering logs
Holidays, commercial devoid of traditional charm
Buying and spending, it will only cost you an arm
Churches with callings reminding we are never enough
Doing, doing, doing. Wow this sure makes life rough
Wishes and wants, needs and desires,
Hurry, oh hurry to put out another fire
Stretched, pulled, and ripped in every which way
How many kind words will you forget to say
How many in sadness have you today rushed by
Giving not a notice and only your exhausted sigh
Love now past due, final noticed, and shut down
Spirits left on curb sides unnoticed now only frown
Kind words and actions, You too busy could not give
May have meant lifelines, how many now did not live?
Stop my child and listen, look and truly see
The race cannot be one by one but all humanity
Stop and help your neighbor, smile at someone new
Listen to the unsaid, see another’s point of view
Lift and help the fallen, bind and aide their ills
Drop your opinions and consider how others now must feel
Drop in and make true connection, instead of texting, call
Reach out for once with actions, they speak louder than all
The race may run by you and you should let it run, run, run
They will all be clamoring but you will be able to appreciate the sun
Slow down my child and listen, angels speak only when we are still
As I have Loved YOU, Love one ANOTHER, This is God’s only WILL
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
The Recieving Garden - Chapter 4 - Part 5
The Vision of The Garden of My Heart seemed to be on continuous play in my mind. It effected all that I did and for another two years the dream seemed to influence every aspect of my life. No matter what I was experiencing of going through the Garden had the answer in form of symbolism and it was if all I needed was continually waiting there in bounty to be harvested. Here is an exert from my journal showing the Garden, and my, progress:
4/3/04
It is time to visit the Garden. It is such a wonderful Saturday morning. It’s a slow gentle rain today. I absolutely love the rain. It completely inspires me. The Garden has been a continual part of my thought process now for close to two years. I have been reading and rereading the original dream this month and I am finding it even more meaningful and clear now than ever. I am in mood right now though, and I feel the need to express the current condition of the Garden.
Ah what an entrance. The remodel and redesign of the Garden entrance was in retrospect a stroke of genius. It welcomes people into this, my Holy of Holies, with out letting them all the way in. The sign above the main gate welcomes all, and many have come to feast there eyes, hearts and souls on the delights of my Garden. The Asian themed reflecting Garden just inside has been met with herald. The peace and comfort people feel here I can see is really touching them and I am loving the fact that my garden (i.e. my persona) can have such a healing and enlighten effect on people. The nice thing though is the new design lets people in only to this point and the elegant Temple Gate quietly guards and protects the majority of the Garden's beauty and power. I let very few venture through these gates. Many I see, as I sit from the watch tower and oversee the affairs of my Garden, come into this reflection area and are so completely overwhelmed they rush to put there name on the list to enter deeper and meet the Gardener. This was a bit overwhelming at first as I was shocked at how much interest there suddenly was in my work. I did let a few venture further right off the bat but in retrospect that was a mistake. For many the work on the other side of the Temple Gate was, despite them saying they were ready, far too much for their senses to handle. Although it was something they all professed to want I found that opening the Temple Gate too early left them facing a reality that most were incapable of coping with. But keeping people out of the Garden altogether does not serve the Garden or the Gardener either so the receiving area serves its purpose well and gives all that feel so inclined to venture in an opportunity to come in and receive the gift of the Garden that is Me without having to expose all of the Garden or Myself. It fulfills many who enters curiosity and still heals the hearts of many, some even complete strangers, but the Gardener is now somewhat protected from being overwhelmed with visitors as only a select few are invited to come explore the Garden deeper and this only after the Gardener as ascertained they are truly ready to receive more.
As one can see the Garden and the Gardener had come along way by this point. All was well. All was progressing. All was as it should be and I was at my pinnacle of inspiration. I felt I had been riding a magical wave and as if ALL WAS POSSIBLE. I knew God loved me and I knew that the Garden had been given to me as a gift to remind me of this love. The Garden was flourishing.
4/3/04
It is time to visit the Garden. It is such a wonderful Saturday morning. It’s a slow gentle rain today. I absolutely love the rain. It completely inspires me. The Garden has been a continual part of my thought process now for close to two years. I have been reading and rereading the original dream this month and I am finding it even more meaningful and clear now than ever. I am in mood right now though, and I feel the need to express the current condition of the Garden.
Ah what an entrance. The remodel and redesign of the Garden entrance was in retrospect a stroke of genius. It welcomes people into this, my Holy of Holies, with out letting them all the way in. The sign above the main gate welcomes all, and many have come to feast there eyes, hearts and souls on the delights of my Garden. The Asian themed reflecting Garden just inside has been met with herald. The peace and comfort people feel here I can see is really touching them and I am loving the fact that my garden (i.e. my persona) can have such a healing and enlighten effect on people. The nice thing though is the new design lets people in only to this point and the elegant Temple Gate quietly guards and protects the majority of the Garden's beauty and power. I let very few venture through these gates. Many I see, as I sit from the watch tower and oversee the affairs of my Garden, come into this reflection area and are so completely overwhelmed they rush to put there name on the list to enter deeper and meet the Gardener. This was a bit overwhelming at first as I was shocked at how much interest there suddenly was in my work. I did let a few venture further right off the bat but in retrospect that was a mistake. For many the work on the other side of the Temple Gate was, despite them saying they were ready, far too much for their senses to handle. Although it was something they all professed to want I found that opening the Temple Gate too early left them facing a reality that most were incapable of coping with. But keeping people out of the Garden altogether does not serve the Garden or the Gardener either so the receiving area serves its purpose well and gives all that feel so inclined to venture in an opportunity to come in and receive the gift of the Garden that is Me without having to expose all of the Garden or Myself. It fulfills many who enters curiosity and still heals the hearts of many, some even complete strangers, but the Gardener is now somewhat protected from being overwhelmed with visitors as only a select few are invited to come explore the Garden deeper and this only after the Gardener as ascertained they are truly ready to receive more.
As one can see the Garden and the Gardener had come along way by this point. All was well. All was progressing. All was as it should be and I was at my pinnacle of inspiration. I felt I had been riding a magical wave and as if ALL WAS POSSIBLE. I knew God loved me and I knew that the Garden had been given to me as a gift to remind me of this love. The Garden was flourishing.
Cherished Blessings - Chapter 4 Part 4
Revisiting the garden again had almost as powerful effect on me as the first visit. There was something about being in nature that weekend that made it so easy to just stay in the moment of the dream and really ponder the depth of its meaning. It seemed every tree I saw or each encounter with the wildlife was a direct interaction and personal message from God. This vision like the first one was far more detailed than I can justly express in writing and I saw far more of the Garden then just the areas I have written about.
The Garden Experience had become my most cherished blessing and I felt I had reached a level of joy and self acceptance that I had never dreamed possible. I had such a love of self and others, everything that I encountered throughout the day seemed to remind me of who I was and what I was to become. Simple details of everyday life touched me and I found that I felt others joy and pain before they even expressed it outwardly. I was experiencing the highest level of inspiration and joy I had ever felt in my life. I would think I am as inspired as I can possibly be and then something new would come to me or I would receive another piece of the vision and again I would find myself soaring over a new peak. I can truly say I have never felt more in touch with God or my Angels than I did during that year, 2002. I would rush to therapy to go over the details of these new visits to the Garden with Margaret. She got it. She seemed to feed on the excitement and inspiration of the dream as well. This amazing level of inspiration felt to good to be true but also seemed on a constant climb with no limit to the level of consciousness and inspiration I was being allowed to receive. I found myself almost continually in deep thought and it was one of the deepest years of my life.
11/6/02
The Garden Experience had become my most cherished blessing and I felt I had reached a level of joy and self acceptance that I had never dreamed possible. I had such a love of self and others, everything that I encountered throughout the day seemed to remind me of who I was and what I was to become. Simple details of everyday life touched me and I found that I felt others joy and pain before they even expressed it outwardly. I was experiencing the highest level of inspiration and joy I had ever felt in my life. I would think I am as inspired as I can possibly be and then something new would come to me or I would receive another piece of the vision and again I would find myself soaring over a new peak. I can truly say I have never felt more in touch with God or my Angels than I did during that year, 2002. I would rush to therapy to go over the details of these new visits to the Garden with Margaret. She got it. She seemed to feed on the excitement and inspiration of the dream as well. This amazing level of inspiration felt to good to be true but also seemed on a constant climb with no limit to the level of consciousness and inspiration I was being allowed to receive. I found myself almost continually in deep thought and it was one of the deepest years of my life.
11/6/02
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Second Vision - Chapter 4 - Part -3
The Second Garden Dream
Well I know the lane well now that leads to my Garden. I come here so often now and things are coming along nicely. I have been so busy cleaning and pruning and planning though that I feel I need to walk the Garden and document its progress.
As I walk up I notice the side walks are now spotless and all the moss and debris has been methodically cleared. The ivy walls are now neatly sheared and where there are bare spots, wire has been strung and new vines are being encouraged to cover them up. The trees are still beautiful and look even taller and statelier now that they have been trimmed and manicured. Impatiens and coleus have been planted and are thriving in their shade. This makes the whole entrance so much more inviting and breaks up the green monotony. The Gated entrance once covered and hidden is now quite prominent and inviting. The trees have been trimmed back just enough to let the light shine through very prominently here. There is a series of pots placed on each side with a stunning display of colorful floral draping down there sides and beckoning all that saunter down the lane to take notice. On the wall on each side of the massive gates are lion head fountains spitting water gracefully into marble bowls. The limestone casing of the gate shows now and arches gracefully above the gate framing it quite nicely. There are plans for an inscription there soon, but for now a copper plate has been hung in the center and it reads, “All are welcome to enter in Peace.” The gates themselves are quite exquisite. The have an ornate oak leaf pattern scrolled trough them. They are unlocked now and have been oiled so they open with ease and silence. Walking in the arch is actually a tunnel covered for about 15 feet or so. At the end of the tunnel there is now a sign that reads, “Please pardon the dust, Reflection Garden under Construction”. There is a table with blueprints laid out. This is the site of the new reception space of the Garden where guests may wait, relax and prepare for the rest of the Garden experience. A large Oriental type structure is being built at one end and a large pond is being dug out in preparation of the future reflecting pond. This will reflect and amplify the surrounding beauty of the landscape and add the soothing element of water to this sacred space. Guest will soon be able to sit at its banks and reflect and ponder. There will be a gravel path so guests can slowly meander around the pond and there is even a bridge being built to give guests a view from the center of the quiet pool.
The new building will serve as the new Main Gate to the true garden that is now safely behind its framed walls. Two large stone Phu Dogs have already been placed on each side of the main steps leading to the Oriental Gate House. They are there to forcefully invite all evil to leave the reflection garden and forbid evil from ever making it into the sacred garden behind them. Most of the large trees and boulders are already planted and in place now. But despite this it is still very much a work in progress and is therefore not operational by any means yet. The new Guard gate, though not finished, is completely operational and is serving its purpose well. The large ornate doors are in place and stand locked. There is a small polite signs that reads, “Please sign the registration log and wait patiently, and the Host of the Garden will be with you soon.” There is a bench there to sit on but since the space is still undergoing so much work its not entirely relaxing yet.
As I unlock the new gates and walk inside the framed building it is sheeted with plastic to hide the construction going on inside the building and to quickly guide you through to the other exit. As I walk out the back of the new structure I step out onto a very French looking patio area raised about 5 feet higher than the surrounding landscape. From this patio I am directly in front of the lovely swan fountain that marks the center of the garden. It has now been gilded in gold and has the most amazing display of flowers around its base. It seems to glow now. It is an absolutely breathtaking centerpiece. It stands there now with an encircling polished granite path. Large fir trees have been added now and enclose this grand area and seem to frame three separate entrances into the North, East, and West Gardens. The patio I stand on acts as the entrance to the South Garden that will soon be the reflection area. This area has been transformed into an impressive courtyard and is quite manicured and complete. The patio has wide gentle steps that invite you to descend toward the fountain. I am quite pleased with the progress of this part of the garden.
I continue into the Garden and up the path toward the North Garden, the Rose Garden. The newly added fir trees block one from seeing this garden from the patio so you must wander around the fountain and up through the fir canopy. An arch has been carefully trimmed in the large firs to create a natural entrance to the Rose Garden. As I walk through the arch is obvious this part of the Garden is also under major renovation. There are piles of leaves and branches, weeds and debris heaped here and there amongst the garden. It seems that the front fourth of the great raised rose bed has been thoroughly weeded and prepared. It actually looks quite sparse in this quarter since there are only a few roses left in this space. Now that that section has been weeded it has maybe 8 or 9 roses in a space of over 100 feet long. The few roses that remained have been cut way back and fertilized and have had the soil worked around their bases. Also the Cypress and Ewe shrubs in this front quarter of this Garden had been neatly trimmed and sheared to absolute perfection. The bulbs in the side gardens have also been pulled up, thinned and neatly replanted and labels have been placed to show what was planted where. Truly the garden looked a bit stark and naked but you could tell it was receiving a lot of care and thought and would soon be something quite spectacular again. Now the remaining three quarters were still quite a mess and in need of the same attention as the front although at the back the large wisteria had been carefully pruned back. Only a couple had survived and were in the process of growing back and where the others had failed new ones had been planted and were being trained up the columns. Sprinklers and hoses ran here and there through out the garden though, ensuring that all plants that have survived were now flourishing. There were forms placed along the path where urns and lights would soon be added and from the valance of the trellis large pots of hanging geraniums were a burst of pink color in front of the impressive valley in the beyond. The pillars had all been power washed and were once again powder white. The area still needed a ton of work but it was looking like someone now cared.
Well I know the lane well now that leads to my Garden. I come here so often now and things are coming along nicely. I have been so busy cleaning and pruning and planning though that I feel I need to walk the Garden and document its progress.
As I walk up I notice the side walks are now spotless and all the moss and debris has been methodically cleared. The ivy walls are now neatly sheared and where there are bare spots, wire has been strung and new vines are being encouraged to cover them up. The trees are still beautiful and look even taller and statelier now that they have been trimmed and manicured. Impatiens and coleus have been planted and are thriving in their shade. This makes the whole entrance so much more inviting and breaks up the green monotony. The Gated entrance once covered and hidden is now quite prominent and inviting. The trees have been trimmed back just enough to let the light shine through very prominently here. There is a series of pots placed on each side with a stunning display of colorful floral draping down there sides and beckoning all that saunter down the lane to take notice. On the wall on each side of the massive gates are lion head fountains spitting water gracefully into marble bowls. The limestone casing of the gate shows now and arches gracefully above the gate framing it quite nicely. There are plans for an inscription there soon, but for now a copper plate has been hung in the center and it reads, “All are welcome to enter in Peace.” The gates themselves are quite exquisite. The have an ornate oak leaf pattern scrolled trough them. They are unlocked now and have been oiled so they open with ease and silence. Walking in the arch is actually a tunnel covered for about 15 feet or so. At the end of the tunnel there is now a sign that reads, “Please pardon the dust, Reflection Garden under Construction”. There is a table with blueprints laid out. This is the site of the new reception space of the Garden where guests may wait, relax and prepare for the rest of the Garden experience. A large Oriental type structure is being built at one end and a large pond is being dug out in preparation of the future reflecting pond. This will reflect and amplify the surrounding beauty of the landscape and add the soothing element of water to this sacred space. Guest will soon be able to sit at its banks and reflect and ponder. There will be a gravel path so guests can slowly meander around the pond and there is even a bridge being built to give guests a view from the center of the quiet pool.
The new building will serve as the new Main Gate to the true garden that is now safely behind its framed walls. Two large stone Phu Dogs have already been placed on each side of the main steps leading to the Oriental Gate House. They are there to forcefully invite all evil to leave the reflection garden and forbid evil from ever making it into the sacred garden behind them. Most of the large trees and boulders are already planted and in place now. But despite this it is still very much a work in progress and is therefore not operational by any means yet. The new Guard gate, though not finished, is completely operational and is serving its purpose well. The large ornate doors are in place and stand locked. There is a small polite signs that reads, “Please sign the registration log and wait patiently, and the Host of the Garden will be with you soon.” There is a bench there to sit on but since the space is still undergoing so much work its not entirely relaxing yet.
As I unlock the new gates and walk inside the framed building it is sheeted with plastic to hide the construction going on inside the building and to quickly guide you through to the other exit. As I walk out the back of the new structure I step out onto a very French looking patio area raised about 5 feet higher than the surrounding landscape. From this patio I am directly in front of the lovely swan fountain that marks the center of the garden. It has now been gilded in gold and has the most amazing display of flowers around its base. It seems to glow now. It is an absolutely breathtaking centerpiece. It stands there now with an encircling polished granite path. Large fir trees have been added now and enclose this grand area and seem to frame three separate entrances into the North, East, and West Gardens. The patio I stand on acts as the entrance to the South Garden that will soon be the reflection area. This area has been transformed into an impressive courtyard and is quite manicured and complete. The patio has wide gentle steps that invite you to descend toward the fountain. I am quite pleased with the progress of this part of the garden.
I continue into the Garden and up the path toward the North Garden, the Rose Garden. The newly added fir trees block one from seeing this garden from the patio so you must wander around the fountain and up through the fir canopy. An arch has been carefully trimmed in the large firs to create a natural entrance to the Rose Garden. As I walk through the arch is obvious this part of the Garden is also under major renovation. There are piles of leaves and branches, weeds and debris heaped here and there amongst the garden. It seems that the front fourth of the great raised rose bed has been thoroughly weeded and prepared. It actually looks quite sparse in this quarter since there are only a few roses left in this space. Now that that section has been weeded it has maybe 8 or 9 roses in a space of over 100 feet long. The few roses that remained have been cut way back and fertilized and have had the soil worked around their bases. Also the Cypress and Ewe shrubs in this front quarter of this Garden had been neatly trimmed and sheared to absolute perfection. The bulbs in the side gardens have also been pulled up, thinned and neatly replanted and labels have been placed to show what was planted where. Truly the garden looked a bit stark and naked but you could tell it was receiving a lot of care and thought and would soon be something quite spectacular again. Now the remaining three quarters were still quite a mess and in need of the same attention as the front although at the back the large wisteria had been carefully pruned back. Only a couple had survived and were in the process of growing back and where the others had failed new ones had been planted and were being trained up the columns. Sprinklers and hoses ran here and there through out the garden though, ensuring that all plants that have survived were now flourishing. There were forms placed along the path where urns and lights would soon be added and from the valance of the trellis large pots of hanging geraniums were a burst of pink color in front of the impressive valley in the beyond. The pillars had all been power washed and were once again powder white. The area still needed a ton of work but it was looking like someone now cared.
Climbing the Mountain- Chapter 4 - Part 2
This Entry garden started to become realized in both my real world and my symbolic garden world. This culminated in a second vision on a camping trip I took to Mack’s Canyon in the Mountains just outside of Las Vegas.
July 27th, 2002
Well after a stressful start the day is suddenly surprisingly peaceful. I made it to my destination and it is even prettier than I remember. I have set up camp between two small seeping springs. I just hiked up a very steep hill behind the bigger of the two springs. I didn’t go to the top, but stopped half way up at a large boulder. There I sat and marveled at the absolute stillness. There was just the slightest breeze and I received a distinct impression that Harmony ruled the grand scene. The tall pines slowly swayed and the view across the canyon was absolutely inspiring. I just sat there with my friend in silence drinking it all into my soul, savoring each detail. I feel like my soul is recharging. As we stood and started to descend a thought pierced my consciousness. I was aware of how light and graceful my body seemed going down the steep and precarious terrain. I notice my friend seemed to be having quite a difficult time. I knew at that moment that my spirit had specifically chosen this body and I felt very pleased. It was weird because all my insecurities and hang-ups about my body seemed to instantly melt away at the realization that I chose me. And that I did. With the Divine assistance of God I was instrumental in creating myself. I was a creation of both He and I. It’s hard to explain but I just felt an overpowering sense of completeness, Divinity, and Joy. I also marveled today at the power of stillness. There is something so Divine and powerful in just being still. I though how all these trees just sat and were still and how divine that must be to just be at peace and just to stay still. I am feeling it is time to go visit the Garden of my Heart.
July 27th, 2002
Well after a stressful start the day is suddenly surprisingly peaceful. I made it to my destination and it is even prettier than I remember. I have set up camp between two small seeping springs. I just hiked up a very steep hill behind the bigger of the two springs. I didn’t go to the top, but stopped half way up at a large boulder. There I sat and marveled at the absolute stillness. There was just the slightest breeze and I received a distinct impression that Harmony ruled the grand scene. The tall pines slowly swayed and the view across the canyon was absolutely inspiring. I just sat there with my friend in silence drinking it all into my soul, savoring each detail. I feel like my soul is recharging. As we stood and started to descend a thought pierced my consciousness. I was aware of how light and graceful my body seemed going down the steep and precarious terrain. I notice my friend seemed to be having quite a difficult time. I knew at that moment that my spirit had specifically chosen this body and I felt very pleased. It was weird because all my insecurities and hang-ups about my body seemed to instantly melt away at the realization that I chose me. And that I did. With the Divine assistance of God I was instrumental in creating myself. I was a creation of both He and I. It’s hard to explain but I just felt an overpowering sense of completeness, Divinity, and Joy. I also marveled today at the power of stillness. There is something so Divine and powerful in just being still. I though how all these trees just sat and were still and how divine that must be to just be at peace and just to stay still. I am feeling it is time to go visit the Garden of my Heart.
The Remodeling Begins - Chapter 4 - Part 1
You may notice I jumped most of Chapter 3. It is still unfinished but Chapter 4 is ready to be published. Stay tuned.
The Dream seemed to consume my every thought from this point. I would drive around town trying to focus on my job, but my mind constantly wished to dwell on the details of the garden and I wanted to begin transforming and redesigning this masterpiece which is me. I wrote the following a week and a half after the original dream.
June 11th, 2002
The Garden of my Heart dream has been with me constantly now for a week and a half. I have been thinking a lot about the entrance. The Garden needs to be accessible to others, yet guarded from those who might try to destroy it. I am thinking of leaving the main gate unlocked, during business hours of course, and building a small receiving garden just inside. This would be a place with benches and such, simple in design, maybe somewhat of a Zen Garden. People could enter here and wait and relax and meditate and prepare to be invited in to the Garden for a tour or journey. I am thinking the secondary gate will be a Chinese Gate House with two large Phu Dogs standing as sentinels and guarding against any evil.
This entry has particularly special meaning as one of the things I immediately encountered after the original vision was a wave of new opportunities. It was as if finding myself through the Garden Vision, I had dropped my mask and I was now exposed to the world as I truly was. Instead of people being harsh and judgmental I was amazed to find that people were actually drawn to me. It was almost as if I had become magnetized and people seemed drawn to the energy around me. It would seem this would be a good thing, but I also found that although people were initially drawn in by the new open, vulnerable me, they were also unwilling to be as open in return and in time my openness became a weapon they would use to try to put me down. I found it to be like system overload for most. They wanted to know me but since I was so open they were unable to process all that I was willing to give. Many seemed to wander into the garden, mesmerized by it and then after seeing only the first few feet they would want to say they knew and understood the complexity of the Garden. Being that I was the Garden’s designer and caretaker and that I was still discovering the Garden myself I was sometimes hurt that people would want to say they knew me after such a short journey. To know me, or anyone, should be a true journey, a discovery expedition that one looses themselves in. Anyway to say the least, I, within a week realized the garden need a few layers to let people inside, but in an orderly and planned way. Hence the idea of creating a symbolic waiting room or preview garden, to prepare kindred souls for a deeper journey and as a warm welcome center to those that would not need to venture further.
And so the overdue remodel and rediscovery of the Garden Began.
The Dream seemed to consume my every thought from this point. I would drive around town trying to focus on my job, but my mind constantly wished to dwell on the details of the garden and I wanted to begin transforming and redesigning this masterpiece which is me. I wrote the following a week and a half after the original dream.
June 11th, 2002
The Garden of my Heart dream has been with me constantly now for a week and a half. I have been thinking a lot about the entrance. The Garden needs to be accessible to others, yet guarded from those who might try to destroy it. I am thinking of leaving the main gate unlocked, during business hours of course, and building a small receiving garden just inside. This would be a place with benches and such, simple in design, maybe somewhat of a Zen Garden. People could enter here and wait and relax and meditate and prepare to be invited in to the Garden for a tour or journey. I am thinking the secondary gate will be a Chinese Gate House with two large Phu Dogs standing as sentinels and guarding against any evil.
This entry has particularly special meaning as one of the things I immediately encountered after the original vision was a wave of new opportunities. It was as if finding myself through the Garden Vision, I had dropped my mask and I was now exposed to the world as I truly was. Instead of people being harsh and judgmental I was amazed to find that people were actually drawn to me. It was almost as if I had become magnetized and people seemed drawn to the energy around me. It would seem this would be a good thing, but I also found that although people were initially drawn in by the new open, vulnerable me, they were also unwilling to be as open in return and in time my openness became a weapon they would use to try to put me down. I found it to be like system overload for most. They wanted to know me but since I was so open they were unable to process all that I was willing to give. Many seemed to wander into the garden, mesmerized by it and then after seeing only the first few feet they would want to say they knew and understood the complexity of the Garden. Being that I was the Garden’s designer and caretaker and that I was still discovering the Garden myself I was sometimes hurt that people would want to say they knew me after such a short journey. To know me, or anyone, should be a true journey, a discovery expedition that one looses themselves in. Anyway to say the least, I, within a week realized the garden need a few layers to let people inside, but in an orderly and planned way. Hence the idea of creating a symbolic waiting room or preview garden, to prepare kindred souls for a deeper journey and as a warm welcome center to those that would not need to venture further.
And so the overdue remodel and rediscovery of the Garden Began.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Leaving the Garden - Chapter 3 - Part 1
Oh the memory of this great vision. Even now many years later as I sit and reread my original writings of this dream my heart is filled with joy. I saw so much of the garden that day and each and every plant, rock, building, or artifact is still firmly etched into the essence of my soul. My tour left me excited and thankful that I had returned to this, my most sacred space. At the same time I was also left feeling very remorseful for having neglected this space and letting it fall into such poor repair. I longed to restore the Garden of My Heart to a yet unfulfilled glory that I knew was possible.
I do not remember the journey back from the Garden that day I just remember suddenly being acutely aware that I was back inside my body still sitting in that warm Jacuzzi at the health club. As I returned to realization of my surroundings I felt like I had been away from my body in this spiritual state for days, but it had only been about an hour. I find even as I write this that my heart continues to remember exactly step for step sequences from this vision of my Garden. I know where each plant is and what it represents. I know all the paths and intricate details of all the surroundings. It amazes me that one short vision could remain in my conscience so long and with such vivid detail. I dressed and left the gym savoring the experience in my heart. As I drove home I was left in awe of what had just happened to me. I knew that I was loved and that God was very aware of me. That is something all humanity needs to feel more regularly, God’s unconditional and total LOVE.
Everyday that week it was as if the dream consumed my every thought. I would reflect on the dream and it seemed the more I thought about it the clearer I was about what everything stood for and what everything meant. The vision had so many important messages for me and answered so many questions. Each of the plants represented a person, place or experienced that I had treasured. Everything in that garden held symbolism of cherished blessings and loved ones. The Garden was my soul. The state of the garden represented the state I had let my soul fall into. By masking myself and who I really was I had symbolically closed up the garden, locked the gates and thrown away the key, thus leaving behind an exquisite creation that had taken me most likely many lifetimes to create and plan. Every time I thought about the garden I became more resolute not to ever leave my sacred space for so long, and to never take for granted the beauty that truly was me. The Garden Vision that day left me changed forever for the good.
I do not remember the journey back from the Garden that day I just remember suddenly being acutely aware that I was back inside my body still sitting in that warm Jacuzzi at the health club. As I returned to realization of my surroundings I felt like I had been away from my body in this spiritual state for days, but it had only been about an hour. I find even as I write this that my heart continues to remember exactly step for step sequences from this vision of my Garden. I know where each plant is and what it represents. I know all the paths and intricate details of all the surroundings. It amazes me that one short vision could remain in my conscience so long and with such vivid detail. I dressed and left the gym savoring the experience in my heart. As I drove home I was left in awe of what had just happened to me. I knew that I was loved and that God was very aware of me. That is something all humanity needs to feel more regularly, God’s unconditional and total LOVE.
Everyday that week it was as if the dream consumed my every thought. I would reflect on the dream and it seemed the more I thought about it the clearer I was about what everything stood for and what everything meant. The vision had so many important messages for me and answered so many questions. Each of the plants represented a person, place or experienced that I had treasured. Everything in that garden held symbolism of cherished blessings and loved ones. The Garden was my soul. The state of the garden represented the state I had let my soul fall into. By masking myself and who I really was I had symbolically closed up the garden, locked the gates and thrown away the key, thus leaving behind an exquisite creation that had taken me most likely many lifetimes to create and plan. Every time I thought about the garden I became more resolute not to ever leave my sacred space for so long, and to never take for granted the beauty that truly was me. The Garden Vision that day left me changed forever for the good.
The West Garden - Chapter 2 - Part 5
The spirit and I finished our tour of the Garden at the West Arch of the Heart of the Garden. Walking through the arch was heartbreaking, for this garden, unlike the East Garden, had failed completely. Neglect and drought had left if deader than dead. Branches and debris from the rest of the garden seemed to have been thrown in here and it truly appeared to be more of a refuse dump than garden. It was a massive space completely wasted and the only life in it was noxious weeds and thistle.
My heart broke to see this, the most neglected garden, as it just proved how long it had been since I had paid any attention or love to this place. Unlike the North garden, there were no signs of life and truly this garden was going to have to be cleared, redesigned, and completely re-landscaped. The Spirit seemed to sense my despair and lovingly said, “It’s an opportunity not an end.” With that my heart lifted. I immediately stopped seeing what is wasn’t, alive, and started seeing what it could be. It was a massive space with rolling hills, great boulders, definitely a place that could be dramatic someday. I said, “I will have a lot to add to this space soon.
My heart broke to see this, the most neglected garden, as it just proved how long it had been since I had paid any attention or love to this place. Unlike the North garden, there were no signs of life and truly this garden was going to have to be cleared, redesigned, and completely re-landscaped. The Spirit seemed to sense my despair and lovingly said, “It’s an opportunity not an end.” With that my heart lifted. I immediately stopped seeing what is wasn’t, alive, and started seeing what it could be. It was a massive space with rolling hills, great boulders, definitely a place that could be dramatic someday. I said, “I will have a lot to add to this space soon.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Reflections - Poetry of Life Series
Wrtten May 10th, 2000
Manzanillo, Mexico
Puerta Serena, Blue Bay Village
Eyes open and now I see.
What is this world without little me.
Who would smell th roses? Who would admire the sea?
Would the waves still come in without me there to see?
A comical question. To most just a jest.
But the meaning of my life, is becoming quite a quest.
There must be a reason I am living in the now.
I so desire the answer, but it is evasive somehow.
Eyes now tired. They have sought the answer all day.
Light grows dimmer as night overtakes the sun's last rays.
Will I find the purpose, discovering the equations sum?
Where is the treasure buried and where did it come from?
Eyes are quickly closing as I strain to complete the day.
Softly now reflecting on the complications that have passed my way.
How can I find the reason? How can I know just why?
Eyes close. Chapter closes. Another day has gone by.
Manzanillo, Mexico
Puerta Serena, Blue Bay Village
Eyes open and now I see.
What is this world without little me.
Who would smell th roses? Who would admire the sea?
Would the waves still come in without me there to see?
A comical question. To most just a jest.
But the meaning of my life, is becoming quite a quest.
There must be a reason I am living in the now.
I so desire the answer, but it is evasive somehow.
Eyes now tired. They have sought the answer all day.
Light grows dimmer as night overtakes the sun's last rays.
Will I find the purpose, discovering the equations sum?
Where is the treasure buried and where did it come from?
Eyes are quickly closing as I strain to complete the day.
Softly now reflecting on the complications that have passed my way.
How can I find the reason? How can I know just why?
Eyes close. Chapter closes. Another day has gone by.
The East Garden - Chapter 2 - Part 4
Coming from the elegance and formality of the North Rose Garden we returned through the arch in the hedge to the Heart of the Garden. The elegant fountain’s song welcomed us back to this central point. We proceeded around the fountain and entered the East Arch, entrance to the East Garden.
Upon entering this garden I was amazed at the stark difference in architecture. The East garden was a much simpler garden, free of the formality of the North Rose Garden we had just been in. It was a country garden, full and overflowing with perennials and wildflowers of every kind. This garden had a massive, ancient, knarled tree that was the graceful focal point of this gorgeous garden. It sat slightly to the left side and further to the east end of the garden. Its massive expanse reached over a major portion of the garden and its trunk was twisted and knarled and some if its ancient roots were slightly exposed further indicating its age. I felt instantly that this tree represented the love and wisdom of my dearest kindred spirit of all, my Grandma Gubler, Genevieve. Her branches reached and shaded a massive amount of space and under her protective reach the east garden contained some of the rarest and most amazing specimens of all the gardens. Under her protective care this garden had thrived. Coming into this garden from the East was a small creek that came in on the left and weaved its way playfully through the garden and then split and came around each side of the tree giving it a constant supply of nutrients. The path in this garden was lovely also. Large natural flagstones meandered through amongst all the plantings and it worked its way back to the shade of the massive tree where the stones fanned out to make a small patio area. Where the path came to the creek there were large stones with flat tops in the creek placed just perfectly that made it easy to just walk across the bubbling water.
The East Garden was an area, that despite its neglect, had flourished. Heirloom plants and wildflowers had taken a strong hold here and since the majority of the plantings were tried and true heirlooms they thrived with little care. Snapdragons, simply petunias, large bushes of daiseys, hollyhocks, you name it all the old fashioned favorites bloomed here. The sweet fragrance of this garden was calming and healing. This garden held power. Just entering it was an instant recharge and any of the despair I had felt over the poor condition of other areas of the garden melted away as i strolled through this magical healing place. Genevieve's Garden, the East Garden, was a timeless spot covering the choices part of the entire Garden. Here was where my most cherished memory plants had been grouped.
Upon entering this garden I was amazed at the stark difference in architecture. The East garden was a much simpler garden, free of the formality of the North Rose Garden we had just been in. It was a country garden, full and overflowing with perennials and wildflowers of every kind. This garden had a massive, ancient, knarled tree that was the graceful focal point of this gorgeous garden. It sat slightly to the left side and further to the east end of the garden. Its massive expanse reached over a major portion of the garden and its trunk was twisted and knarled and some if its ancient roots were slightly exposed further indicating its age. I felt instantly that this tree represented the love and wisdom of my dearest kindred spirit of all, my Grandma Gubler, Genevieve. Her branches reached and shaded a massive amount of space and under her protective reach the east garden contained some of the rarest and most amazing specimens of all the gardens. Under her protective care this garden had thrived. Coming into this garden from the East was a small creek that came in on the left and weaved its way playfully through the garden and then split and came around each side of the tree giving it a constant supply of nutrients. The path in this garden was lovely also. Large natural flagstones meandered through amongst all the plantings and it worked its way back to the shade of the massive tree where the stones fanned out to make a small patio area. Where the path came to the creek there were large stones with flat tops in the creek placed just perfectly that made it easy to just walk across the bubbling water.
The East Garden was an area, that despite its neglect, had flourished. Heirloom plants and wildflowers had taken a strong hold here and since the majority of the plantings were tried and true heirlooms they thrived with little care. Snapdragons, simply petunias, large bushes of daiseys, hollyhocks, you name it all the old fashioned favorites bloomed here. The sweet fragrance of this garden was calming and healing. This garden held power. Just entering it was an instant recharge and any of the despair I had felt over the poor condition of other areas of the garden melted away as i strolled through this magical healing place. Genevieve's Garden, the East Garden, was a timeless spot covering the choices part of the entire Garden. Here was where my most cherished memory plants had been grouped.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Poetry of Life Series - A Simple Prayer from the Heart
A Simple Prayer from the Heart
By Todd Royce Gubler
Composed 12/31/03
Ready to learn Lord, here now I sit
Willing to see Thee, as Thou seest fit
Teach me a lesson with each moment’s gift
Help my heart reach Thee, I need a slight lift
Thy loving mercy, hast set my heart free
Teach me now kind Lord, to return to Thee
Ready to learn Lord, ready to now do
Whatever it takest, to return to You.
Poetry of Life Series - Afraid of the Dark
Afraid of the Dark
By Todd Royce Gubler
Written 12/31/03
Ending revised 8/28/05
Sometimes, afraid, I lie awake and stare
Praying to God, hoping He’s still there
Troubled by sadness and mistakes of the past
Wondering how long this misery must last
I lie there and I wonder and I try to sleep
Begging for mercy, the depression so deep
I hope and I wonder what life will bring next
Worried so dearly about life’s current bad text
When will a new chapter, close out the old?
When will the story completed, be ready to be told?
I lie and I worry, completely robbed of my rest
Why am I so sad, why others are so, so blessed
The answer evades me, I guess I have lessons yet to learn
But oh the sting of sadness, sometimes it really, really burns
And then the dawn begins to break, the nights torrent now must close
The sun it seems my fears to ease, a better day maybe, who knows
By Todd Royce Gubler
Written 12/31/03
Ending revised 8/28/05
Sometimes, afraid, I lie awake and stare
Praying to God, hoping He’s still there
Troubled by sadness and mistakes of the past
Wondering how long this misery must last
I lie there and I wonder and I try to sleep
Begging for mercy, the depression so deep
I hope and I wonder what life will bring next
Worried so dearly about life’s current bad text
When will a new chapter, close out the old?
When will the story completed, be ready to be told?
I lie and I worry, completely robbed of my rest
Why am I so sad, why others are so, so blessed
The answer evades me, I guess I have lessons yet to learn
But oh the sting of sadness, sometimes it really, really burns
And then the dawn begins to break, the nights torrent now must close
The sun it seems my fears to ease, a better day maybe, who knows
Chapter 2 - Part 3 - The North Rose Garden
As we entered through the North arch of this hedge, we found a spectacular garden. Here the path split to run up each side of a large raised planter. The planter was raised about 2 feet above the path and had a finely crafted granite ledge just large enough to sit on all the way around it. I could tell at once that this was once a very formal rose garden. It was obvious that great attention and preparation had gone into this area as the soil was highly amended and the entire area had a very formal overtone. Unfortunately the entire planter was full of weeds and grasses, now flourishing in the well prepared and rich soil. Most of the roses were dead and old branches of thorns cluttered the area. A rose had managed to survive here and there and a couple had even thrived but the entire look was far from congruent with the original formal plan. This planter was about 10 feet wide and stretched north at least 500 feet. “Why did I make this bed so large?” I questioned out loud. The spirit shrugged and smiled and whispered, “One can never have too many roses!”
How true I thought. “This must be cleaned and prepared so that there will always be room when I find a rare or beautiful rose. Let us continue our tour for now though,” I said. We walked along the rose bed, stopping occasionally to admire a bloom that had managed to survive amidst the neglect.
Now this stately rose bed was flanked on each side by what appeared to be a country style garden. Large groupings of Iris, Gladiolus, Amaryllis, Daffodils, and Hyacinths bloomed profusely here. They had propagated and thrived and taken over and their beauty was a welcome addition to the otherwise weedy and un-kept North Garden. The bulbs were backed by a back drop of 4-foot tall mounds of green ewe followed by a neatly spaced row of stately and tall Italian cypress. This gave the North Garden long formal site lines that was very impressive and formal looking. If the rose bed hadn’t been such a mess the area would have been quite grand. We finally reached the end of the long rose bed and found a large semi-circular terrace area with a trellis supported by formal grecian style columns. From this terrace you could see out over a great valley. This was quite an elevated place and the hill below was gracefully terraced down to the banks of a placid lake. The pillars were set with 2 pillars close then a space of about 10 feet and then another set and so forth around the edge of the semi circle. Each opening seemed to perfectly frame a different picture of the surrounding countryside. It was a grand, grand place. I noticed that thee vines that were gracefully trained around the pillars and up on the trellis above were mostly dead. They appeared to have been wisteria. I thought, “What a shame they are all dead.” The Spirit then pointed out a small green bud on one of them. I smiled because I knew that there was now hope and that with care maybe some of the ancient plants could be revived. We stayed in this place and viewed the surrounding landscape for quite some time.
How true I thought. “This must be cleaned and prepared so that there will always be room when I find a rare or beautiful rose. Let us continue our tour for now though,” I said. We walked along the rose bed, stopping occasionally to admire a bloom that had managed to survive amidst the neglect.
Now this stately rose bed was flanked on each side by what appeared to be a country style garden. Large groupings of Iris, Gladiolus, Amaryllis, Daffodils, and Hyacinths bloomed profusely here. They had propagated and thrived and taken over and their beauty was a welcome addition to the otherwise weedy and un-kept North Garden. The bulbs were backed by a back drop of 4-foot tall mounds of green ewe followed by a neatly spaced row of stately and tall Italian cypress. This gave the North Garden long formal site lines that was very impressive and formal looking. If the rose bed hadn’t been such a mess the area would have been quite grand. We finally reached the end of the long rose bed and found a large semi-circular terrace area with a trellis supported by formal grecian style columns. From this terrace you could see out over a great valley. This was quite an elevated place and the hill below was gracefully terraced down to the banks of a placid lake. The pillars were set with 2 pillars close then a space of about 10 feet and then another set and so forth around the edge of the semi circle. Each opening seemed to perfectly frame a different picture of the surrounding countryside. It was a grand, grand place. I noticed that thee vines that were gracefully trained around the pillars and up on the trellis above were mostly dead. They appeared to have been wisteria. I thought, “What a shame they are all dead.” The Spirit then pointed out a small green bud on one of them. I smiled because I knew that there was now hope and that with care maybe some of the ancient plants could be revived. We stayed in this place and viewed the surrounding landscape for quite some time.
Chapter 2 - Part 2 - The Heart of the Garden
The main path led into the garden straight ahead for a bit and then came to a circle. In the center of this circle was a circular flowerbed with an old bronze fountain in the center. The fountain was still flowing but just barely. The algae hung off the sculpture in long gross strings, strangling any cascade of water and masking the fountains appearance. The pool at the base of the sculpture had a soupy green consistency and smelled of rot and stagnation. The question was posed, “What shall we do here?” I replied, “Let me stop here and fix this before we proceed so the sound may bring joy to the rest of the garden.” I quickly found a bucket and drained the stagnant water from the fountain. I looked around for a place to refresh the fountain and clean it with fresh water. I found an old fashioned hand pump tucked into the landscape nearby. After pumping out some old rusty water that had sat in the pipes way too long, the pump gurgled and spat and then gushed forth pure clean water. In fact as I filled and refilled the bucket I found the purity of the well water quite remarkable. I carefully cleaned and scrubbed the fountain removing all the debris and slime. It was a stunning bronze sculpture of three graceful swans, wings arched back and heads positioned in such a way that they all aimed their water spouts directly up. Balanced on the outstretched wings of these graceful swans was an innocent child standing in a sort of ballet type stance reaching joyfully toward heaven seemingly caught in a moment of sheer joy. I thought how amazing this fountain must look when functioning properly, the child in complete harmony with the swans as he seemed to dance in their spray, water raining down around him. Now with the sculpture exposed and cleaned I felt anxious to fill the fountain and see it in proper operation. I pumped many buckets of pure clear water from the well and once I had filled the fountain to a proper level the pump gurgled a couple times and almost instantaneously the fountain exploded back to life. The sound of the cascading water seemed to sing out through the garden, echoing out across the whole valley. The weak flow I had found was now a mighty fountain, alive with joy and life and sound. “Much better,” the Spirit whispered, “Let us now venture further into your garden.”
At the fountain the garden path circled around and had four distinct paths heading in each of the directions of the compass, North, South, East, and West. We had just come from the South, where the garden gate and the shady lane were. We continued around the heart of the garden, the Fountain, and walked toward the North path about 20 feet or so. There were enormous hedges surrounding the Center, Heart Garden and Fountain with large arches carved out at each of the four paths.
At the fountain the garden path circled around and had four distinct paths heading in each of the directions of the compass, North, South, East, and West. We had just come from the South, where the garden gate and the shady lane were. We continued around the heart of the garden, the Fountain, and walked toward the North path about 20 feet or so. There were enormous hedges surrounding the Center, Heart Garden and Fountain with large arches carved out at each of the four paths.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Chapter 2 - Part 1 - The Garden!!!
The Spirit seemed to beam with joy and welcomed me home to my garden saying, “We have missed you here. Welcome home.” We embraced, my physical and spiritual presence and my guardian Spirit, and we revelled in the joy of our reunion and our unity. We stood at the entrance of this great garden and gazed over the large garden full of plants. Color radiated everywhere and the magic and splendor of the garden still defy description. At a quick glance it was beautiful, alive, lush greenery and sculpture from this vantage it was obvious this garden was expansive as we stood at the most elevated spot in the garden. As I looked closer at the garden though, giving it a thorough examination, I realized the garden had been quite neglected for quite some time. It was now very overgrown and unkept and was merely a sliver of its former splendor that I now remembered.
I stepped in to examine the garden further and immediately encountered a rose bush. It was leggy and overgrown and it was covered with tiny burgundy single wild roses. I immediately felt I was being asked by the Spirit to make a decision. You see the branch extended over the granite paver path making the walk impassable. “Should we cut the rose canes out of the path, walk around them, or hack the whole bush down?” I thought a moment then responded, “Let us walk around this bush today. Let us examine the garden together and appraise the work that needs to be done. Let us enjoy the sacred moment of reunion and let us spend some time getting to know the garden once again. I have been away far too long.” So we walked gingerly around the wild rose. As we did so the Spirit pointed out that this rose had originally been one of my favorite, planted near the entrance to inspire all as they entered my sacred space. I replied, “I do not recall planting a burgundy wild rose here?” The Spirit whispered you did not plant a burgundy rose here. You planted a stunning white rose called ‘Honor” here and it is still here but its wild roots have overtaken the true rose.” I made a special note to return and carefully prune out the wild and find the good true rose canes once again.
We continued deeper into the garden and I can not justly explain in words the beauty and the bounty of color that surrounded us. Despite the gardens neglect, it had managed to survive and in many places it still thrived and had maintained some of its planned glory. Much of the soil was dry though and compacted and many plants showed signs of lack of nutrients and others looked wilted and strained. Rubbish and rotting leaves made the ground look cluttered in other places. Other places had become infested with weeds and other areas had either become completely overgrown or simply died all together.
I stepped in to examine the garden further and immediately encountered a rose bush. It was leggy and overgrown and it was covered with tiny burgundy single wild roses. I immediately felt I was being asked by the Spirit to make a decision. You see the branch extended over the granite paver path making the walk impassable. “Should we cut the rose canes out of the path, walk around them, or hack the whole bush down?” I thought a moment then responded, “Let us walk around this bush today. Let us examine the garden together and appraise the work that needs to be done. Let us enjoy the sacred moment of reunion and let us spend some time getting to know the garden once again. I have been away far too long.” So we walked gingerly around the wild rose. As we did so the Spirit pointed out that this rose had originally been one of my favorite, planted near the entrance to inspire all as they entered my sacred space. I replied, “I do not recall planting a burgundy wild rose here?” The Spirit whispered you did not plant a burgundy rose here. You planted a stunning white rose called ‘Honor” here and it is still here but its wild roots have overtaken the true rose.” I made a special note to return and carefully prune out the wild and find the good true rose canes once again.
We continued deeper into the garden and I can not justly explain in words the beauty and the bounty of color that surrounded us. Despite the gardens neglect, it had managed to survive and in many places it still thrived and had maintained some of its planned glory. Much of the soil was dry though and compacted and many plants showed signs of lack of nutrients and others looked wilted and strained. Rubbish and rotting leaves made the ground look cluttered in other places. Other places had become infested with weeds and other areas had either become completely overgrown or simply died all together.
Poetry of Life Series - The Full Soul
Why does each step seem forsaken,
Why has the past been so rough?
Why is my heart still broke and aching?
Nothing to nothing... to dust.
When will the willing be worthy?
Why must the worthy be shy?
What was the purpose in loving?
Empty to Empty... to Die.
Purpose, some have it, most do not.
Values, their random, at best.
Judgments, like weeds, seem to thrive here.
Worthless more Worthless... I guess.
What is my purpose in writing?
Now I don’t even bother to rhyme.
Typing and talking and searching.
Whoops, I think I just missed... my line.
Oh why is my mind so damn random?
Why must my thoughts never end?
What do I hope to accomplish?
Greater and Greater... The End!
written 4/29/08
Why has the past been so rough?
Why is my heart still broke and aching?
Nothing to nothing... to dust.
When will the willing be worthy?
Why must the worthy be shy?
What was the purpose in loving?
Empty to Empty... to Die.
Purpose, some have it, most do not.
Values, their random, at best.
Judgments, like weeds, seem to thrive here.
Worthless more Worthless... I guess.
What is my purpose in writing?
Now I don’t even bother to rhyme.
Typing and talking and searching.
Whoops, I think I just missed... my line.
Oh why is my mind so damn random?
Why must my thoughts never end?
What do I hope to accomplish?
Greater and Greater... The End!
written 4/29/08
Chapter 1 - Part 5 - The Gated Entrance
The spirit assisted me and we pulled back the ivy, similar to drawing open curtains. The curtain of ivy gracefully pulled back to reveal large ornate gates framed in by a massive stone arch in the wall. I eagerly went to open them, but was alarmed to find them tightly locked. I stood there puzzled and the Spirit communicated to me, “You are the only one who knows where the key is. Look deep within for it.” I wanted so badly to be inside this gate and to discover what was behind this great wall. I had never desired anything more in my life then to be on the other side of this wall. I felt completely at a loss of where to start looking for the key and the discouragement quickly crept into my heart. I felt like this, the thing that I most desired, laid only feet away but here I stood blocked from receiving that which I so knew I needed. Just when the discouragement felt like it would overwhelm me, I had a thought of pure light. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that there in the leaves just inside the gate lay the old rusty key. I reached through the gate but fell just short of reaching the key. I desired the key so, so badly it hurt and I felt another wave of desperation and panic at the thought of not being able to get inside these great gates. I madly grabbed a stick and used it to rake at the earth beyond the gate and after a brief struggle I obtained the key I so desired and dragged it into my reach. I quickly inserted the old key into the rusty lock. It was hard to turn but after a little jiggling and twisting the lock turned with a great creak. The latch opened and the great gates began to slowly fell open with deep, aching groans. Since the gates were set inside an arch in the tall brick wall, I couldn’t see in yet for on the other side of the gates hung the same overgrowth of ivy that had blocked the gates on the previous side. The spirit and I each grabbed some vines and we parted them. The view that I saw as that ivy parted changed my life forever. Tears overpowered me as I gazed through the ivy curtain because I knew instantly the place that I saw on the other side of the great wall. I knew this place well and the Spirit placed its arm around my shoulder and let me savor this tender moment of reunion. I knew this place for I had built this place, an exquisite garden, The Garden of my Heart!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Poetry of Life Series - A Cry of the Heart
By Todd Royce Gubler
Nobody knows and really most don’t care
Few stop to see what’s really happening there
Sometimes in desperation I lie down and cry
And sometimes it’s so bad I just wish I could die
I feel the darkness enter and attempt to consume
I guess demons want me sad, at least I assume
At times like this so lonely, I can’t continue on
Wishing for comfort and longing to belong
Why is life so empty and why is life so sad
Why is the world so full of hate, why is it so bad
I question why my lot is mine and search desperately for peace
And the answer that I always find is whispered to sweet relief
God alone is Master and very much in control
Everything has reason that sometimes only He knows
And then I feel the darkness break and feel the light begin
And deep inside I feel at peace just knowing I have Him.
Nobody knows and really most don’t care
Few stop to see what’s really happening there
Sometimes in desperation I lie down and cry
And sometimes it’s so bad I just wish I could die
I feel the darkness enter and attempt to consume
I guess demons want me sad, at least I assume
At times like this so lonely, I can’t continue on
Wishing for comfort and longing to belong
Why is life so empty and why is life so sad
Why is the world so full of hate, why is it so bad
I question why my lot is mine and search desperately for peace
And the answer that I always find is whispered to sweet relief
God alone is Master and very much in control
Everything has reason that sometimes only He knows
And then I feel the darkness break and feel the light begin
And deep inside I feel at peace just knowing I have Him.
Chapter 1 - Part 4 - The Shady Lane
We continued down the lane and I became aware that we had turned on to a different lane, one lined now with massive ancient shady oak trees. I noticed there were walls lining both sides of the lane. I guess my eyes and mind were so busy taking in and absorbing the great beauty of the canopy of blooms that I hadn’t had time or mental capacity to see beyond the edges of the lane before on the luminous blossom laden lane we had been on. The walls on either side of this shady green lane were very tall and were finely built of red brick. Gorgeous green ivy and lush moss covered most of these towering walls. I would estimate they were approximately 10 to 12 feet tall. The ivy and moss made it evident that these walls were very antique and had been here along with the great trees for quite some time. Elegant brick pillars supported these tall walls and each pillar was finished with an ornate finial. Even though this lane was shady, it like the other lane had a luminescence to everything from the leaves of the giant trees to the delicate moss and ivy. It was an elegant lane completely detailed with every shade of green imaginable. The next thing I knew we had stopped in the middle of the lane. I peered around. The wall was completely overgrown with ivy here and I was in awe of the massive reach of the towering ancient oaks. These oaks created so much shade that is was almost dark here was it not for the glow of all the energy from all the life that surrounded me. The lane had been so meticulously trimmed and cared for up to this point but now as I stood and looked, the property in front of me looked a bit neglected compared to the rest of the neighborhood. I was wondering why we had stopped and here of all places. Then I noticed that the sidewalk we were on, although mostly covered with a layer of moss, un-raked leaves, and debris, seemed to have an intersecting walk that led to the street. I felt that this was the entrance to something that had long been forgotten. With my foot I scraped away some of the debris and noticed this walk seemed to lead to nowhere as it disappeared right into the overgrown ivy that covered the tall, tall wall. I thought, “What should we do now?” and as if the Spirit felt my thoughts I received a powerful feeling of familiarity. I exclaimed, “I know this place, I know this place! I have been here before…Help me clear this ivy.” I immediately started to struggle and pull at the ivy that covered the wall as if searching for some long lost treasure.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Chapter 1- Part 3 - The Luminous Lane
Our pace slowed to that of a casual walk and the details of my surroundings became evident. We were now walking side by side down a meticulously manicured lane. The lane meandered ahead and was lined by the most stunning trees. They had ancient, gnarled, crooked trunks that supported the most spectacular canopy of peach blossoms I have ever seen. They were similar to the blossoms of a peach tree but it was if each blossom was illuminated and the entire lane seemed to glow this delicate pink hue -even the blossoms that had fallen to the ground and covered the lane itself. Everything seemed to emit its own light and energy and everything glowed. It was absolutely amazing and again I cannot describe in words the shear and utter perfection of these trees. The smell was so sweet and pleasing and seemed to beckon one to continue up the lane. I felt so comfortable and graceful as we quietly sauntered further up the now winding lane. The trees were evenly spaced on each side of the lane for as far as one could see. I noticed that around the base of each of these trees was a ring of burgundy and white flowers. They reminded me of petunias and the simplicity of the landscape made it even more elaborate. The lawn that ran along each side of the lane was the most exquisite emerald green and it, like the blossoms above, seemed to generate its own luminescent glow. The entire landscape seemed to be glowing. Mind you now, it was complete daylight outside and the sky was crystal clear and blue, but everything was casting additional light and illumination. We stopped and stepped up onto the slate curb and across the lane’s lawn to the walk. It was made of 3 foot by 3 foot granite slabs that were almost seamlessly placed alongside each other. We walked a short distance on the sidewalk and then stopped at an old ornate park bench. The Spirit gracefully sat down and I felt quietly compelled to do the same. From this vantage point I could see down the hill we had just traversed and across the wide valley below. We had come a great distance in just a matter of moments, yet I had felt completely unrushed. We had come so far and the site of that amazing lane snaking its way down through the foothills, lined by what had to be thousands of pink blooming trees made my heart sing with praise and joy. The thought came very clearly to my consciousness, “Thank you God, for bringing me to this place.” The Spirit that was guiding me stood up and patted me on the back and without saying anything motioned for me to follow, and I did.
We walked a short distance and came to the crest of the hill. Now I could see what seemed to be forever in all directions. Back toward where we had come from I could see the now dim lights of the city we had left, now just a faintly sparkling gem dulled in comparison to the illumination of the brilliant landscape I was standing in. But looking in the opposite direction of the city was a spectacular valley, full of trees, meadows, lakes, and streams. A question was posed here by the Spirit. This is again something I find almost impossible to explain as the Spirit never actually audibly said anything but I almost seemed to feel its thoughts and know its desires. The question was which way I wished to continue. Back toward the city or forward into the beautiful valley. My answer came quickly and we proceeded forward into the brilliance of the beautiful forest valley away from the dull city.
We walked a short distance and came to the crest of the hill. Now I could see what seemed to be forever in all directions. Back toward where we had come from I could see the now dim lights of the city we had left, now just a faintly sparkling gem dulled in comparison to the illumination of the brilliant landscape I was standing in. But looking in the opposite direction of the city was a spectacular valley, full of trees, meadows, lakes, and streams. A question was posed here by the Spirit. This is again something I find almost impossible to explain as the Spirit never actually audibly said anything but I almost seemed to feel its thoughts and know its desires. The question was which way I wished to continue. Back toward the city or forward into the beautiful valley. My answer came quickly and we proceeded forward into the brilliance of the beautiful forest valley away from the dull city.
Chapter 1 - Part 2 - Leaving the World Behind
The other day I had what some my call a dream or vision, well sort of, for you see I was completely awake, yet I was in a very magical place. You see my mind was alive with thought and inspiration and my soul was bursting forth to express itself. Having just left Margaret’s office, I couldn’t bear to go home and face the poor energy of my less than inspiring roommates. I did not know where to go so I settled for my health club. Not the sort of place one expects to have a vision but to be honest I never thought of myself as a man who would have visions. I was sitting in the men’s Jacuzzi at the Athletic Club. The club was busier than usual it seemed, yet I found myself completely oblivious to my surroundings. I was sitting in that pool of warm water, but it was as if I was floating above myself peering down. I know it must sound strange to someone reading this but it felt completely normal. I was looking down at my own body. It was as if I was able to occupy two spaces at once. My spirit was above my physical body and I was not the least bit concerned. I continued to rise and soon I was above the building and amazingly I could still see myself sitting in that Jacuzzi right through the roof. This for some reason felt completely normal to me. Soon my focus left the building and I quietly realized I was moving away from the club. I found myself going down a very busy city street, one that I did not recognize for it seemed dark, dreary and actually quite dirty and ominous. Even as I sit and edit this account years later the details are crystal clear. It amazes me how crisp the experience is, as if it has been permanently etched into every cell of my soul. I was with an entity that I can only describe as a Spirit. This Spirit seemed to be in a great hurry and I realized we were effortlessly moving through these dark city streets with haste. Again it seems odd because we were not walking or running just moving along without exerting any physical effort. As strange as this seems to write, in this experience I found it to feel completely natural and familiar. It was as if we were hurrying away from the hustle and bustle. We didn’t communicate but I knew that I must follow and felt the urgency of this Spirit’s mission. Soon I realized we were traveling so fast that I could not make out the details of the buildings or my surroundings as they were so blurred as we hurried by. It was similar to looking at a landscape as you speed down a freeway. Soon I realized our pace was slowing and I glanced back over my shoulder and realized that we had left the city and that we were now in the foothills above the city. The city was but a distant glow. It was strange though as it was a dirty, dark glow. I looked back only briefly and continued my journey away from this dark place.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Chapter 1 - Part 1 - Departing on My Journey
My journey into my heart happened quite by chance one week. I boarded a plane with my dear friend, my Aunt Janette. She and I have always been close, but little did either of us know how this one trip to visit my dearest and coincidentally favorite cousin, Michelle, and her family would change the course of our relationship and my life forever. On the plane my uncle quickly fell asleep and I found myself mesmerized by the stunning vastness of creation that you can only witness out of the window of an airplane. I was amazed at how complex and beautiful our earth was and seeing it from a plane just swelled my spirit and put me in a beautiful receptive state of mind. As we flew Janette and I began to talk and the more we talked the deeper and more substantial our conversation became. I don’t know how to explain it other than our conversation became a conversation of the soul. It was one of those conversations that leave you realizing that you are speaking with a kindred spirit and that your bond exceeds the limits of our current earthly existence. Our bond to each other deepened on that plane and we truly opened up our souls to each other that day. By the time we got to Colorado our energy was contagious and being with Michelle only amplified the effect. The three of us together have an amazing flow of energy and love. The week was magical.
When it was time to go home we were all sad and it hurt to leave my dearest cousin and fly back home to Las Vegas. I remember flying out of Colorado Springs that day very clearly because right as we took off we hit a very unstable air mass and the plane just dropped. It wasn’t just a slight bump, we really dropped, and a few people on the plane screamed out in surprise and fear. My aunt and I are both a little leery of flying as it is and this free fall and then the ensuing turbulence only made us that much more uncomfortable. We sat white knuckled and clutching hands for the first 15 minutes of the flight. Finally it smoothed out and we were able to slowly start relaxing and melting back into our deep conversation of sharing. At one point my aunt shared that she had started seeing a therapist. I acknowledged the big shift in self confidence I had noticed in her. She gave me the therapist’s number and for some reason even though I consciously thought, “I don’t need a therapist,” I was intrigued enough that I knew I would call her once we returned home. Little did neither I nor my aunt know that this would be one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Making that phone call was scary for some odd reason. I didn’t know what to expect and admittedly I had prejudged what a therapy session would be like. I pictured a long couch with me laying on it and some quack asking me weird and irrelevant questions. Added to my fear was the fact that my aunt’s therapist was an active member of the Mormon Church and I just knew she was going to try to reprogram my mind and make me a good little Mormon boy once again. It’s really funny to even type my fears now, but I have to admit I had some really outrageous and unjustified fears at the time. I think we all do that though, focus on these outrageous worst case scenarios for situations that we find uncomfortable. Well I had done a really good job of freaking myself out so by the time I actually found myself waiting in the waiting room of Margaret Johanson’s office I was, to say the least, completely freaked out. My inner voice was drilling me with worst case scenarios and what if she judges you or tells you what a horrible person you are. Worse yet what if she realizes you really are crazy. I was petrified. Looking back I wonder why my inner voice wanted to scare me so bad and then I realize that my real fear was that of exposing my true self or being truly discovered by another Human Being. I had spent my whole life masking and hiding my true self from the world and most of all from myself. My fear was that someone else might see through my clever disguise and see me as I really was. That was the source of all my fear, being discovered by her, and scarier was being discovered by myself. As I write this I now find it sad that I and so many of us on earth feel or have felt the need to mask ourselves from others. Why don’t we realize how amazing we are? Why are we so concerned with what others may think of us? WHY? Amazingly, even though I was trembling to the core of my soul, I mustered the courage to go to that first appointment. I decided I was going to go in there in and just shock the hell out of her. Then I could leave and never come back knowing therapy wasn’t a fit for me.
Well my experience as you can probably imagine was far from meeting any of my preconceived worst cases. Instead I found a woman who listened intently and really made me feel safe and comfortable. From that first visit it was as if she had opened a new channel in my head and I for the first time in years felt inspired and loved. One of the questions she asked me that first day was to finish this sentence, “I am enough because…” I tried to finish the sentence right away with things like; “Because I help people” or “Because I am a nice guy” She just shook her head and gave it to me as home work to figure out. As I prepared to leave that first meeting she then shared a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that I will paraphrase to the best of my recollection, “In every soul is a spark of Divinity.” She explained that in each of us there was at least one part that was perfect and correct. She invited me to go home and really search my soul for my own personal divinity and perfect-ness. I set an appointment to return and left. I remember that week struggling with the question “I am enough because…” I was so upset that I could not figure this simple question out.
Our next appointment soon came and by the end of the session I had answered the question. I was enough because I was simply God’s child. That was very powerful for me, to really realize that God still loved me and cared about me. I had hidden my true self and feelings so well over the proceeding years that I had effectively disconnected myself from God and convinced myself that He had walked away from me. In reality I had hidden from him and used circumstances as excuses as to why God would not love me. Answering Margaret’s question was profound for me because I realized that a good parent never stops loving their child. My Heavenly Father’s love was without condition. There was nothing I could do or say that would make him stop loving me. Like any parent I could at times disappoint him, but I could not make him stop loving me. I will always be thankful for Margaret for helping me rediscover God’s Love. Answering that question was like opening a flood gate of love from heaven. I felt his love that week in a way that was previously inconceivable to me. I realized that I was His child and that because of His perfect DNA there had to be something in me that was also divine and perfect. Thus my quest of self discovery began. I felt like the prodigal son returning home and after my two hour therapy session that day I practically floated out of her office. My mind was in overload with this new channel of inspiration that she had assisted me in locating.
I remember getting in my car but not wishing to return home. I had roommates living with me at the time and I was feeling so good that the thought of being in their energy made me feel like I would lose the feeling and maybe even this new channel that I so desired to stay tuned into. I decided since I was close to the gym I would just go sit in the Jacuzzi and be alone with my thoughts. That is exactly what I did and the following is what I then experienced exactly as I wrote it down a few days later. This experience has changed my life and is my most treasured gift and possession. Words don’t even do it justice but I hope in sharing this sacred experience that others will be enlightened and seek God’s love also. I share with you now the first part of the Garden of My Heart.
When it was time to go home we were all sad and it hurt to leave my dearest cousin and fly back home to Las Vegas. I remember flying out of Colorado Springs that day very clearly because right as we took off we hit a very unstable air mass and the plane just dropped. It wasn’t just a slight bump, we really dropped, and a few people on the plane screamed out in surprise and fear. My aunt and I are both a little leery of flying as it is and this free fall and then the ensuing turbulence only made us that much more uncomfortable. We sat white knuckled and clutching hands for the first 15 minutes of the flight. Finally it smoothed out and we were able to slowly start relaxing and melting back into our deep conversation of sharing. At one point my aunt shared that she had started seeing a therapist. I acknowledged the big shift in self confidence I had noticed in her. She gave me the therapist’s number and for some reason even though I consciously thought, “I don’t need a therapist,” I was intrigued enough that I knew I would call her once we returned home. Little did neither I nor my aunt know that this would be one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Making that phone call was scary for some odd reason. I didn’t know what to expect and admittedly I had prejudged what a therapy session would be like. I pictured a long couch with me laying on it and some quack asking me weird and irrelevant questions. Added to my fear was the fact that my aunt’s therapist was an active member of the Mormon Church and I just knew she was going to try to reprogram my mind and make me a good little Mormon boy once again. It’s really funny to even type my fears now, but I have to admit I had some really outrageous and unjustified fears at the time. I think we all do that though, focus on these outrageous worst case scenarios for situations that we find uncomfortable. Well I had done a really good job of freaking myself out so by the time I actually found myself waiting in the waiting room of Margaret Johanson’s office I was, to say the least, completely freaked out. My inner voice was drilling me with worst case scenarios and what if she judges you or tells you what a horrible person you are. Worse yet what if she realizes you really are crazy. I was petrified. Looking back I wonder why my inner voice wanted to scare me so bad and then I realize that my real fear was that of exposing my true self or being truly discovered by another Human Being. I had spent my whole life masking and hiding my true self from the world and most of all from myself. My fear was that someone else might see through my clever disguise and see me as I really was. That was the source of all my fear, being discovered by her, and scarier was being discovered by myself. As I write this I now find it sad that I and so many of us on earth feel or have felt the need to mask ourselves from others. Why don’t we realize how amazing we are? Why are we so concerned with what others may think of us? WHY? Amazingly, even though I was trembling to the core of my soul, I mustered the courage to go to that first appointment. I decided I was going to go in there in and just shock the hell out of her. Then I could leave and never come back knowing therapy wasn’t a fit for me.
Well my experience as you can probably imagine was far from meeting any of my preconceived worst cases. Instead I found a woman who listened intently and really made me feel safe and comfortable. From that first visit it was as if she had opened a new channel in my head and I for the first time in years felt inspired and loved. One of the questions she asked me that first day was to finish this sentence, “I am enough because…” I tried to finish the sentence right away with things like; “Because I help people” or “Because I am a nice guy” She just shook her head and gave it to me as home work to figure out. As I prepared to leave that first meeting she then shared a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that I will paraphrase to the best of my recollection, “In every soul is a spark of Divinity.” She explained that in each of us there was at least one part that was perfect and correct. She invited me to go home and really search my soul for my own personal divinity and perfect-ness. I set an appointment to return and left. I remember that week struggling with the question “I am enough because…” I was so upset that I could not figure this simple question out.
Our next appointment soon came and by the end of the session I had answered the question. I was enough because I was simply God’s child. That was very powerful for me, to really realize that God still loved me and cared about me. I had hidden my true self and feelings so well over the proceeding years that I had effectively disconnected myself from God and convinced myself that He had walked away from me. In reality I had hidden from him and used circumstances as excuses as to why God would not love me. Answering Margaret’s question was profound for me because I realized that a good parent never stops loving their child. My Heavenly Father’s love was without condition. There was nothing I could do or say that would make him stop loving me. Like any parent I could at times disappoint him, but I could not make him stop loving me. I will always be thankful for Margaret for helping me rediscover God’s Love. Answering that question was like opening a flood gate of love from heaven. I felt his love that week in a way that was previously inconceivable to me. I realized that I was His child and that because of His perfect DNA there had to be something in me that was also divine and perfect. Thus my quest of self discovery began. I felt like the prodigal son returning home and after my two hour therapy session that day I practically floated out of her office. My mind was in overload with this new channel of inspiration that she had assisted me in locating.
I remember getting in my car but not wishing to return home. I had roommates living with me at the time and I was feeling so good that the thought of being in their energy made me feel like I would lose the feeling and maybe even this new channel that I so desired to stay tuned into. I decided since I was close to the gym I would just go sit in the Jacuzzi and be alone with my thoughts. That is exactly what I did and the following is what I then experienced exactly as I wrote it down a few days later. This experience has changed my life and is my most treasured gift and possession. Words don’t even do it justice but I hope in sharing this sacred experience that others will be enlightened and seek God’s love also. I share with you now the first part of the Garden of My Heart.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Introduction
Grandma, Genevieve Gubler, and I. My closet kindred Spirit The ability to look back on one’s life is one of the most precious gifts I believe humanity has been granted. Our memories and experiences, no matter good or bad, nor how deeply we have tried to bury them, are still etched and engraved into our present. Our experiences and interactions are all recorded into our cells and therefore our past seems to always have influence upon our present and future. Some people use experiences of the past as anchors of victim-hood that hold them down and stifle further growth, others use them as building blocks, lessons that lift them above the tides of life, helping to keep them focused and driven with purpose.
In reflecting back on my life I see peaks and valleys, highs and lows, and to say the least it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. There have been times in my life that I felt I was just coasting along in auto-pilot, and others where I simply felt I was being tossed unconsciously about by some imagined, yet real, current of turbulence that seemed to have a mind and course all of its own. There have been other times in my life where I have felt very much like a car with my engine roaring, the RPM gauge dangerously beyond the red line, as I battle my way, full tilt, up some steep hill, conquering some battle in my life. I have felt like I am wandering lost, completely without guidance or light at times and yet at other times the light and guidance has been so bright and powerful that no fiber of my soul could deny the correctness and trueness of the course I was to follow. Sometimes the road of life has been traveled with many friends and loved ones, and many times in reflection I notice it has been a very lonely path. But in reflective moments like I am having now as I write, I notice that no matter the memory, if I look deep enough, there has always been some beauty and some message of light that will be useful knowledge for some future adventure or tribulation.
Some people travel the earth searching for precious treasures, riches, or fame. I am going to share with you the journey I embarked on quite by chance one day. A journey into my soul. I share it in hopes that as you come along with me through my written words you will also embark on a journey of your own and discover that the most precious gift the world has ever been granted is simply YOU. I am finding myself in this journey and let me say the journey will hopefully never be complete. That is the true beauty of life is the discovery of and the pursuit of ourselves. I learn more everyday and with each new person or situation I encounter. I know deep in my heart that even when my mortal heart stops beating this journey of self discovery will continue in another realm. I get goose bumps thinking about the possibilities.
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