Chapter 1 - Part 1 - Departing on My Journey

My journey into my heart happened quite by chance one week. I boarded a plane with my dear friend, my Aunt Janette. She and I have always been close, but little did either of us know how this one trip to visit my dearest and coincidentally favorite cousin, Michelle, and her family would change the course of our relationship and my life forever. On the plane my uncle quickly fell asleep and I found myself mesmerized by the stunning vastness of creation that you can only witness out of the window of an airplane. I was amazed at how complex and beautiful our earth was and seeing it from a plane just swelled my spirit and put me in a beautiful receptive state of mind. As we flew Janette and I began to talk and the more we talked the deeper and more substantial our conversation became. I don’t know how to explain it other than our conversation became a conversation of the soul. It was one of those conversations that leave you realizing that you are speaking with a kindred spirit and that your bond exceeds the limits of our current earthly existence. Our bond to each other deepened on that plane and we truly opened up our souls to each other that day. By the time we got to Colorado our energy was contagious and being with Michelle only amplified the effect. The three of us together have an amazing flow of energy and love. The week was magical.

When it was time to go home we were all sad and it hurt to leave my dearest cousin and fly back home to Las Vegas. I remember flying out of Colorado Springs that day very clearly because right as we took off we hit a very unstable air mass and the plane just dropped. It wasn’t just a slight bump, we really dropped, and a few people on the plane screamed out in surprise and fear. My aunt and I are both a little leery of flying as it is and this free fall and then the ensuing turbulence only made us that much more uncomfortable. We sat white knuckled and clutching hands for the first 15 minutes of the flight. Finally it smoothed out and we were able to slowly start relaxing and melting back into our deep conversation of sharing. At one point my aunt shared that she had started seeing a therapist. I acknowledged the big shift in self confidence I had noticed in her. She gave me the therapist’s number and for some reason even though I consciously thought, “I don’t need a therapist,” I was intrigued enough that I knew I would call her once we returned home. Little did neither I nor my aunt know that this would be one of the greatest gifts in my life.

Making that phone call was scary for some odd reason. I didn’t know what to expect and admittedly I had prejudged what a therapy session would be like. I pictured a long couch with me laying on it and some quack asking me weird and irrelevant questions. Added to my fear was the fact that my aunt’s therapist was an active member of the Mormon Church and I just knew she was going to try to reprogram my mind and make me a good little Mormon boy once again. It’s really funny to even type my fears now, but I have to admit I had some really outrageous and unjustified fears at the time. I think we all do that though, focus on these outrageous worst case scenarios for situations that we find uncomfortable. Well I had done a really good job of freaking myself out so by the time I actually found myself waiting in the waiting room of Margaret Johanson’s office I was, to say the least, completely freaked out. My inner voice was drilling me with worst case scenarios and what if she judges you or tells you what a horrible person you are. Worse yet what if she realizes you really are crazy. I was petrified. Looking back I wonder why my inner voice wanted to scare me so bad and then I realize that my real fear was that of exposing my true self or being truly discovered by another Human Being. I had spent my whole life masking and hiding my true self from the world and most of all from myself. My fear was that someone else might see through my clever disguise and see me as I really was. That was the source of all my fear, being discovered by her, and scarier was being discovered by myself. As I write this I now find it sad that I and so many of us on earth feel or have felt the need to mask ourselves from others. Why don’t we realize how amazing we are? Why are we so concerned with what others may think of us? WHY? Amazingly, even though I was trembling to the core of my soul, I mustered the courage to go to that first appointment. I decided I was going to go in there in and just shock the hell out of her. Then I could leave and never come back knowing therapy wasn’t a fit for me.

Well my experience as you can probably imagine was far from meeting any of my preconceived worst cases. Instead I found a woman who listened intently and really made me feel safe and comfortable. From that first visit it was as if she had opened a new channel in my head and I for the first time in years felt inspired and loved. One of the questions she asked me that first day was to finish this sentence, “I am enough because…” I tried to finish the sentence right away with things like; “Because I help people” or “Because I am a nice guy” She just shook her head and gave it to me as home work to figure out. As I prepared to leave that first meeting she then shared a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that I will paraphrase to the best of my recollection, “In every soul is a spark of Divinity.” She explained that in each of us there was at least one part that was perfect and correct. She invited me to go home and really search my soul for my own personal divinity and perfect-ness. I set an appointment to return and left. I remember that week struggling with the question “I am enough because…” I was so upset that I could not figure this simple question out.

Our next appointment soon came and by the end of the session I had answered the question. I was enough because I was simply God’s child. That was very powerful for me, to really realize that God still loved me and cared about me. I had hidden my true self and feelings so well over the proceeding years that I had effectively disconnected myself from God and convinced myself that He had walked away from me. In reality I had hidden from him and used circumstances as excuses as to why God would not love me. Answering Margaret’s question was profound for me because I realized that a good parent never stops loving their child. My Heavenly Father’s love was without condition. There was nothing I could do or say that would make him stop loving me. Like any parent I could at times disappoint him, but I could not make him stop loving me. I will always be thankful for Margaret for helping me rediscover God’s Love. Answering that question was like opening a flood gate of love from heaven. I felt his love that week in a way that was previously inconceivable to me. I realized that I was His child and that because of His perfect DNA there had to be something in me that was also divine and perfect. Thus my quest of self discovery began. I felt like the prodigal son returning home and after my two hour therapy session that day I practically floated out of her office. My mind was in overload with this new channel of inspiration that she had assisted me in locating.

I remember getting in my car but not wishing to return home. I had roommates living with me at the time and I was feeling so good that the thought of being in their energy made me feel like I would lose the feeling and maybe even this new channel that I so desired to stay tuned into. I decided since I was close to the gym I would just go sit in the Jacuzzi and be alone with my thoughts. That is exactly what I did and the following is what I then experienced exactly as I wrote it down a few days later. This experience has changed my life and is my most treasured gift and possession. Words don’t even do it justice but I hope in sharing this sacred experience that others will be enlightened and seek God’s love also. I share with you now the first part of the Garden of My Heart.