By Todd Royce Gubler
Nobody knows and really most don’t care
Few stop to see what’s really happening there
Sometimes in desperation I lie down and cry
And sometimes it’s so bad I just wish I could die
I feel the darkness enter and attempt to consume
I guess demons want me sad, at least I assume
At times like this so lonely, I can’t continue on
Wishing for comfort and longing to belong
Why is life so empty and why is life so sad
Why is the world so full of hate, why is it so bad
I question why my lot is mine and search desperately for peace
And the answer that I always find is whispered to sweet relief
God alone is Master and very much in control
Everything has reason that sometimes only He knows
And then I feel the darkness break and feel the light begin
And deep inside I feel at peace just knowing I have Him.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Chapter 1 - Part 4 - The Shady Lane
We continued down the lane and I became aware that we had turned on to a different lane, one lined now with massive ancient shady oak trees. I noticed there were walls lining both sides of the lane. I guess my eyes and mind were so busy taking in and absorbing the great beauty of the canopy of blooms that I hadn’t had time or mental capacity to see beyond the edges of the lane before on the luminous blossom laden lane we had been on. The walls on either side of this shady green lane were very tall and were finely built of red brick. Gorgeous green ivy and lush moss covered most of these towering walls. I would estimate they were approximately 10 to 12 feet tall. The ivy and moss made it evident that these walls were very antique and had been here along with the great trees for quite some time. Elegant brick pillars supported these tall walls and each pillar was finished with an ornate finial. Even though this lane was shady, it like the other lane had a luminescence to everything from the leaves of the giant trees to the delicate moss and ivy. It was an elegant lane completely detailed with every shade of green imaginable. The next thing I knew we had stopped in the middle of the lane. I peered around. The wall was completely overgrown with ivy here and I was in awe of the massive reach of the towering ancient oaks. These oaks created so much shade that is was almost dark here was it not for the glow of all the energy from all the life that surrounded me. The lane had been so meticulously trimmed and cared for up to this point but now as I stood and looked, the property in front of me looked a bit neglected compared to the rest of the neighborhood. I was wondering why we had stopped and here of all places. Then I noticed that the sidewalk we were on, although mostly covered with a layer of moss, un-raked leaves, and debris, seemed to have an intersecting walk that led to the street. I felt that this was the entrance to something that had long been forgotten. With my foot I scraped away some of the debris and noticed this walk seemed to lead to nowhere as it disappeared right into the overgrown ivy that covered the tall, tall wall. I thought, “What should we do now?” and as if the Spirit felt my thoughts I received a powerful feeling of familiarity. I exclaimed, “I know this place, I know this place! I have been here before…Help me clear this ivy.” I immediately started to struggle and pull at the ivy that covered the wall as if searching for some long lost treasure.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Chapter 1- Part 3 - The Luminous Lane
Our pace slowed to that of a casual walk and the details of my surroundings became evident. We were now walking side by side down a meticulously manicured lane. The lane meandered ahead and was lined by the most stunning trees. They had ancient, gnarled, crooked trunks that supported the most spectacular canopy of peach blossoms I have ever seen. They were similar to the blossoms of a peach tree but it was if each blossom was illuminated and the entire lane seemed to glow this delicate pink hue -even the blossoms that had fallen to the ground and covered the lane itself. Everything seemed to emit its own light and energy and everything glowed. It was absolutely amazing and again I cannot describe in words the shear and utter perfection of these trees. The smell was so sweet and pleasing and seemed to beckon one to continue up the lane. I felt so comfortable and graceful as we quietly sauntered further up the now winding lane. The trees were evenly spaced on each side of the lane for as far as one could see. I noticed that around the base of each of these trees was a ring of burgundy and white flowers. They reminded me of petunias and the simplicity of the landscape made it even more elaborate. The lawn that ran along each side of the lane was the most exquisite emerald green and it, like the blossoms above, seemed to generate its own luminescent glow. The entire landscape seemed to be glowing. Mind you now, it was complete daylight outside and the sky was crystal clear and blue, but everything was casting additional light and illumination. We stopped and stepped up onto the slate curb and across the lane’s lawn to the walk. It was made of 3 foot by 3 foot granite slabs that were almost seamlessly placed alongside each other. We walked a short distance on the sidewalk and then stopped at an old ornate park bench. The Spirit gracefully sat down and I felt quietly compelled to do the same. From this vantage point I could see down the hill we had just traversed and across the wide valley below. We had come a great distance in just a matter of moments, yet I had felt completely unrushed. We had come so far and the site of that amazing lane snaking its way down through the foothills, lined by what had to be thousands of pink blooming trees made my heart sing with praise and joy. The thought came very clearly to my consciousness, “Thank you God, for bringing me to this place.” The Spirit that was guiding me stood up and patted me on the back and without saying anything motioned for me to follow, and I did.
We walked a short distance and came to the crest of the hill. Now I could see what seemed to be forever in all directions. Back toward where we had come from I could see the now dim lights of the city we had left, now just a faintly sparkling gem dulled in comparison to the illumination of the brilliant landscape I was standing in. But looking in the opposite direction of the city was a spectacular valley, full of trees, meadows, lakes, and streams. A question was posed here by the Spirit. This is again something I find almost impossible to explain as the Spirit never actually audibly said anything but I almost seemed to feel its thoughts and know its desires. The question was which way I wished to continue. Back toward the city or forward into the beautiful valley. My answer came quickly and we proceeded forward into the brilliance of the beautiful forest valley away from the dull city.
We walked a short distance and came to the crest of the hill. Now I could see what seemed to be forever in all directions. Back toward where we had come from I could see the now dim lights of the city we had left, now just a faintly sparkling gem dulled in comparison to the illumination of the brilliant landscape I was standing in. But looking in the opposite direction of the city was a spectacular valley, full of trees, meadows, lakes, and streams. A question was posed here by the Spirit. This is again something I find almost impossible to explain as the Spirit never actually audibly said anything but I almost seemed to feel its thoughts and know its desires. The question was which way I wished to continue. Back toward the city or forward into the beautiful valley. My answer came quickly and we proceeded forward into the brilliance of the beautiful forest valley away from the dull city.
Chapter 1 - Part 2 - Leaving the World Behind
The other day I had what some my call a dream or vision, well sort of, for you see I was completely awake, yet I was in a very magical place. You see my mind was alive with thought and inspiration and my soul was bursting forth to express itself. Having just left Margaret’s office, I couldn’t bear to go home and face the poor energy of my less than inspiring roommates. I did not know where to go so I settled for my health club. Not the sort of place one expects to have a vision but to be honest I never thought of myself as a man who would have visions. I was sitting in the men’s Jacuzzi at the Athletic Club. The club was busier than usual it seemed, yet I found myself completely oblivious to my surroundings. I was sitting in that pool of warm water, but it was as if I was floating above myself peering down. I know it must sound strange to someone reading this but it felt completely normal. I was looking down at my own body. It was as if I was able to occupy two spaces at once. My spirit was above my physical body and I was not the least bit concerned. I continued to rise and soon I was above the building and amazingly I could still see myself sitting in that Jacuzzi right through the roof. This for some reason felt completely normal to me. Soon my focus left the building and I quietly realized I was moving away from the club. I found myself going down a very busy city street, one that I did not recognize for it seemed dark, dreary and actually quite dirty and ominous. Even as I sit and edit this account years later the details are crystal clear. It amazes me how crisp the experience is, as if it has been permanently etched into every cell of my soul. I was with an entity that I can only describe as a Spirit. This Spirit seemed to be in a great hurry and I realized we were effortlessly moving through these dark city streets with haste. Again it seems odd because we were not walking or running just moving along without exerting any physical effort. As strange as this seems to write, in this experience I found it to feel completely natural and familiar. It was as if we were hurrying away from the hustle and bustle. We didn’t communicate but I knew that I must follow and felt the urgency of this Spirit’s mission. Soon I realized we were traveling so fast that I could not make out the details of the buildings or my surroundings as they were so blurred as we hurried by. It was similar to looking at a landscape as you speed down a freeway. Soon I realized our pace was slowing and I glanced back over my shoulder and realized that we had left the city and that we were now in the foothills above the city. The city was but a distant glow. It was strange though as it was a dirty, dark glow. I looked back only briefly and continued my journey away from this dark place.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Chapter 1 - Part 1 - Departing on My Journey
My journey into my heart happened quite by chance one week. I boarded a plane with my dear friend, my Aunt Janette. She and I have always been close, but little did either of us know how this one trip to visit my dearest and coincidentally favorite cousin, Michelle, and her family would change the course of our relationship and my life forever. On the plane my uncle quickly fell asleep and I found myself mesmerized by the stunning vastness of creation that you can only witness out of the window of an airplane. I was amazed at how complex and beautiful our earth was and seeing it from a plane just swelled my spirit and put me in a beautiful receptive state of mind. As we flew Janette and I began to talk and the more we talked the deeper and more substantial our conversation became. I don’t know how to explain it other than our conversation became a conversation of the soul. It was one of those conversations that leave you realizing that you are speaking with a kindred spirit and that your bond exceeds the limits of our current earthly existence. Our bond to each other deepened on that plane and we truly opened up our souls to each other that day. By the time we got to Colorado our energy was contagious and being with Michelle only amplified the effect. The three of us together have an amazing flow of energy and love. The week was magical.
When it was time to go home we were all sad and it hurt to leave my dearest cousin and fly back home to Las Vegas. I remember flying out of Colorado Springs that day very clearly because right as we took off we hit a very unstable air mass and the plane just dropped. It wasn’t just a slight bump, we really dropped, and a few people on the plane screamed out in surprise and fear. My aunt and I are both a little leery of flying as it is and this free fall and then the ensuing turbulence only made us that much more uncomfortable. We sat white knuckled and clutching hands for the first 15 minutes of the flight. Finally it smoothed out and we were able to slowly start relaxing and melting back into our deep conversation of sharing. At one point my aunt shared that she had started seeing a therapist. I acknowledged the big shift in self confidence I had noticed in her. She gave me the therapist’s number and for some reason even though I consciously thought, “I don’t need a therapist,” I was intrigued enough that I knew I would call her once we returned home. Little did neither I nor my aunt know that this would be one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Making that phone call was scary for some odd reason. I didn’t know what to expect and admittedly I had prejudged what a therapy session would be like. I pictured a long couch with me laying on it and some quack asking me weird and irrelevant questions. Added to my fear was the fact that my aunt’s therapist was an active member of the Mormon Church and I just knew she was going to try to reprogram my mind and make me a good little Mormon boy once again. It’s really funny to even type my fears now, but I have to admit I had some really outrageous and unjustified fears at the time. I think we all do that though, focus on these outrageous worst case scenarios for situations that we find uncomfortable. Well I had done a really good job of freaking myself out so by the time I actually found myself waiting in the waiting room of Margaret Johanson’s office I was, to say the least, completely freaked out. My inner voice was drilling me with worst case scenarios and what if she judges you or tells you what a horrible person you are. Worse yet what if she realizes you really are crazy. I was petrified. Looking back I wonder why my inner voice wanted to scare me so bad and then I realize that my real fear was that of exposing my true self or being truly discovered by another Human Being. I had spent my whole life masking and hiding my true self from the world and most of all from myself. My fear was that someone else might see through my clever disguise and see me as I really was. That was the source of all my fear, being discovered by her, and scarier was being discovered by myself. As I write this I now find it sad that I and so many of us on earth feel or have felt the need to mask ourselves from others. Why don’t we realize how amazing we are? Why are we so concerned with what others may think of us? WHY? Amazingly, even though I was trembling to the core of my soul, I mustered the courage to go to that first appointment. I decided I was going to go in there in and just shock the hell out of her. Then I could leave and never come back knowing therapy wasn’t a fit for me.
Well my experience as you can probably imagine was far from meeting any of my preconceived worst cases. Instead I found a woman who listened intently and really made me feel safe and comfortable. From that first visit it was as if she had opened a new channel in my head and I for the first time in years felt inspired and loved. One of the questions she asked me that first day was to finish this sentence, “I am enough because…” I tried to finish the sentence right away with things like; “Because I help people” or “Because I am a nice guy” She just shook her head and gave it to me as home work to figure out. As I prepared to leave that first meeting she then shared a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that I will paraphrase to the best of my recollection, “In every soul is a spark of Divinity.” She explained that in each of us there was at least one part that was perfect and correct. She invited me to go home and really search my soul for my own personal divinity and perfect-ness. I set an appointment to return and left. I remember that week struggling with the question “I am enough because…” I was so upset that I could not figure this simple question out.
Our next appointment soon came and by the end of the session I had answered the question. I was enough because I was simply God’s child. That was very powerful for me, to really realize that God still loved me and cared about me. I had hidden my true self and feelings so well over the proceeding years that I had effectively disconnected myself from God and convinced myself that He had walked away from me. In reality I had hidden from him and used circumstances as excuses as to why God would not love me. Answering Margaret’s question was profound for me because I realized that a good parent never stops loving their child. My Heavenly Father’s love was without condition. There was nothing I could do or say that would make him stop loving me. Like any parent I could at times disappoint him, but I could not make him stop loving me. I will always be thankful for Margaret for helping me rediscover God’s Love. Answering that question was like opening a flood gate of love from heaven. I felt his love that week in a way that was previously inconceivable to me. I realized that I was His child and that because of His perfect DNA there had to be something in me that was also divine and perfect. Thus my quest of self discovery began. I felt like the prodigal son returning home and after my two hour therapy session that day I practically floated out of her office. My mind was in overload with this new channel of inspiration that she had assisted me in locating.
I remember getting in my car but not wishing to return home. I had roommates living with me at the time and I was feeling so good that the thought of being in their energy made me feel like I would lose the feeling and maybe even this new channel that I so desired to stay tuned into. I decided since I was close to the gym I would just go sit in the Jacuzzi and be alone with my thoughts. That is exactly what I did and the following is what I then experienced exactly as I wrote it down a few days later. This experience has changed my life and is my most treasured gift and possession. Words don’t even do it justice but I hope in sharing this sacred experience that others will be enlightened and seek God’s love also. I share with you now the first part of the Garden of My Heart.
When it was time to go home we were all sad and it hurt to leave my dearest cousin and fly back home to Las Vegas. I remember flying out of Colorado Springs that day very clearly because right as we took off we hit a very unstable air mass and the plane just dropped. It wasn’t just a slight bump, we really dropped, and a few people on the plane screamed out in surprise and fear. My aunt and I are both a little leery of flying as it is and this free fall and then the ensuing turbulence only made us that much more uncomfortable. We sat white knuckled and clutching hands for the first 15 minutes of the flight. Finally it smoothed out and we were able to slowly start relaxing and melting back into our deep conversation of sharing. At one point my aunt shared that she had started seeing a therapist. I acknowledged the big shift in self confidence I had noticed in her. She gave me the therapist’s number and for some reason even though I consciously thought, “I don’t need a therapist,” I was intrigued enough that I knew I would call her once we returned home. Little did neither I nor my aunt know that this would be one of the greatest gifts in my life.
Making that phone call was scary for some odd reason. I didn’t know what to expect and admittedly I had prejudged what a therapy session would be like. I pictured a long couch with me laying on it and some quack asking me weird and irrelevant questions. Added to my fear was the fact that my aunt’s therapist was an active member of the Mormon Church and I just knew she was going to try to reprogram my mind and make me a good little Mormon boy once again. It’s really funny to even type my fears now, but I have to admit I had some really outrageous and unjustified fears at the time. I think we all do that though, focus on these outrageous worst case scenarios for situations that we find uncomfortable. Well I had done a really good job of freaking myself out so by the time I actually found myself waiting in the waiting room of Margaret Johanson’s office I was, to say the least, completely freaked out. My inner voice was drilling me with worst case scenarios and what if she judges you or tells you what a horrible person you are. Worse yet what if she realizes you really are crazy. I was petrified. Looking back I wonder why my inner voice wanted to scare me so bad and then I realize that my real fear was that of exposing my true self or being truly discovered by another Human Being. I had spent my whole life masking and hiding my true self from the world and most of all from myself. My fear was that someone else might see through my clever disguise and see me as I really was. That was the source of all my fear, being discovered by her, and scarier was being discovered by myself. As I write this I now find it sad that I and so many of us on earth feel or have felt the need to mask ourselves from others. Why don’t we realize how amazing we are? Why are we so concerned with what others may think of us? WHY? Amazingly, even though I was trembling to the core of my soul, I mustered the courage to go to that first appointment. I decided I was going to go in there in and just shock the hell out of her. Then I could leave and never come back knowing therapy wasn’t a fit for me.
Well my experience as you can probably imagine was far from meeting any of my preconceived worst cases. Instead I found a woman who listened intently and really made me feel safe and comfortable. From that first visit it was as if she had opened a new channel in my head and I for the first time in years felt inspired and loved. One of the questions she asked me that first day was to finish this sentence, “I am enough because…” I tried to finish the sentence right away with things like; “Because I help people” or “Because I am a nice guy” She just shook her head and gave it to me as home work to figure out. As I prepared to leave that first meeting she then shared a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that I will paraphrase to the best of my recollection, “In every soul is a spark of Divinity.” She explained that in each of us there was at least one part that was perfect and correct. She invited me to go home and really search my soul for my own personal divinity and perfect-ness. I set an appointment to return and left. I remember that week struggling with the question “I am enough because…” I was so upset that I could not figure this simple question out.
Our next appointment soon came and by the end of the session I had answered the question. I was enough because I was simply God’s child. That was very powerful for me, to really realize that God still loved me and cared about me. I had hidden my true self and feelings so well over the proceeding years that I had effectively disconnected myself from God and convinced myself that He had walked away from me. In reality I had hidden from him and used circumstances as excuses as to why God would not love me. Answering Margaret’s question was profound for me because I realized that a good parent never stops loving their child. My Heavenly Father’s love was without condition. There was nothing I could do or say that would make him stop loving me. Like any parent I could at times disappoint him, but I could not make him stop loving me. I will always be thankful for Margaret for helping me rediscover God’s Love. Answering that question was like opening a flood gate of love from heaven. I felt his love that week in a way that was previously inconceivable to me. I realized that I was His child and that because of His perfect DNA there had to be something in me that was also divine and perfect. Thus my quest of self discovery began. I felt like the prodigal son returning home and after my two hour therapy session that day I practically floated out of her office. My mind was in overload with this new channel of inspiration that she had assisted me in locating.
I remember getting in my car but not wishing to return home. I had roommates living with me at the time and I was feeling so good that the thought of being in their energy made me feel like I would lose the feeling and maybe even this new channel that I so desired to stay tuned into. I decided since I was close to the gym I would just go sit in the Jacuzzi and be alone with my thoughts. That is exactly what I did and the following is what I then experienced exactly as I wrote it down a few days later. This experience has changed my life and is my most treasured gift and possession. Words don’t even do it justice but I hope in sharing this sacred experience that others will be enlightened and seek God’s love also. I share with you now the first part of the Garden of My Heart.
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